The title succinctly speaks of how I’m feeling at this moment. Not really an important incident, since I’m totally safe and such shit happens to everyone, but:
Went out to the night market to buy some cigarettes via bicycle. When I was at the laari (stand/trolly sort of a thing, for you international readers), this heavy elder man in a car pulled up behind me, watched me buy the cigarettes. I was surprised as I was leaving as I thought he was waiting his turn but he wasn’t buying anything as I was leaving. I went on the wrong side of the road back, because the road was virtually empty and I was on my cycle. When I took my right at the circle into an unlit lane, my headphones on, I suddenly saw his car beside me, his headlights and in-lights on. I shifted my headphones to hear him, if he needed help with directions or something but he was the same guy. I should have “Please stopped because he just wanted to talk” apparently, so I said “No, sorry. Nope,” and drove as fast as I could. When I came to a turn again where a silhouette of a man was visible, he literally sped ahead of me, and I took that turn to stand with that watchman for a while. I couldn’t really explain the situation to him. I was just waiting to watch that man in the car turn back down the road. He did, his lights still on, he was staring but didn’t turn towards me, just drove away.
I sped home. I’m fine. Then why was I panicking still for about fifteen to twenty minutes after. Because, inertia of adrenaline – that’s all I could come up with. Body needed time for panic chemicals to fizz out. But in this particular post panic I couldn’t think rationally. I’m a person who freakishly takes to unexpected events, so maybe I’d have like to have spoken to him had it been daylight and had he not seemed like such a creep. In my post-panic, I was trying to rationalize why I was assuming he was a creep though, because maybe.. you know.. I’m studying fine arts, and being one of them, I know that there are curious people who just want to talk because they notice an interesting aspect of some person. Finally I reasoned he must have had bad intentions, for he would have spoken to me right there at the cigarette laari – where the roads were lit and there were more people – if he wanted to so badly. Took me a long time to get to that conclusion.
Inertia of adrenaline – the stuff clouds your reason! And that helped me deal with my next thought: If I had been cornered to speak to him in the unsafe circumstances he approached, what would I have done? Would I have felt that compulsion to run? Because I was pumped. It only occurred to me to get to a lit area where there were more apartments around and some watchman at least. And I did that. But what if that weren’t an option, if things went differently? If things went differently, was my character in a panic situation prepared to deal with the worst? No! That was the shame. I try to be tough, but in that moment I panicked. I should have mentally breathed; I should have thought calmly: “run and avoid bad circumstances, and if he outsmarts you, be ready to fight.” But no, my instinct was just like “run run run!”.
I’m really upset by this because I’d like to think I’m better than that! Like there was this one time, I’m particularly proud of this one time: I got stuck in a metal sliding door elevator because there was a power cut. I was about to panic. I panicked for literally five seconds and then had the rationality to think about how that would become suffocating. It was interesting though, the five seconds of feeling purely stranded suffocation, but anyway. I knew I had to calm down just in case I’d be stuck there for long. But in like two minutes I gathered my senses to figure out how to open the door, and just for your information in case you get stuck too, I’ll tell you. You can slide the inner door open with your hands, just like pull it with friction, and then the outer door – if you’re stuck between two floors, choose the bottom one – you’ll find this latch at the top, just lift it up with your finger and slide it open.
So yes, I was particularly proud of myself for maintaining my cool and getting out of an elevator.
Anyway. I’m writing so much about tonight’s incident and it’s silly because it was inconsequential. But it’s because of the bigger picture! What exactly bothers me about the incident was my inability to stay calm. I want to change that next time and handle it like I did the elevator.
Anyhow I’m back to normal now and adrenaline surely makes us do things instinctively without thought. And that fact gives me the ability to say that yeah, somehow I did the right thing, because if I had instigated him in any way, his adrenaline could have either made him run or either made him rash. But my frame of thought wasn’t ready for a fight, and it should have been, in case things got bad.
I’ll shut up now. That’s basically the point. I’m just telling myself, stay calm and ready or you won’t be able to assess.
Do I over-rationalize things to an irrational extent? Why am I trying to understand a mal-intentioned lech, you wonder? Part of me gets you if you do wonder. But I just have this.. sort of obsession with observing people and how they work.
I’m done for now. I will be writing and posting more, want to be an active blogger now that we have WiFi at home ~! :D
As for the featured image, I just really like having featured images. And this one is from this anime I recently completed called Durarara!!/DRRR!!. It was quite lovely. Brilliantly developed plot full of surprises, nice characters. Light yet intriguing. This is my current wallpaper.